From child to adult

Over time, I felt like "OK this is what it feels like to be an adult." I got asked, when did you start feeling like an adult? Of course, there is usually never a cathartic moment where you evolve into an adult like a Pokemon evolution.

Reflecting back, I believe it was when the things I used to as an immature adolescent, which weren't truly the core 'me', began to get boring and meaningless. The hollow, cheap acts of pleasure, doing something to prove someone, essentially, not being you. This was an incredibly difficult concept for me to understand as cognitive dissonance always will be. You kind of get that what you're doing is wrong but the powerful overarching feeling that this will make you happy in the short term will override any sense of questioning. Comfort and poor reference groups are silent but deadly, deadly killers.

There got to a point where I felt, this is getting boring. Why am I doing this? This is like rewarding myself for doing nothing. I don't want to keep this going. I had enough of this version of me, it's not really me. All these thoughts began coming over time till I eventually took action. Maybe at first, action is an immediate result with an insane amount of motivation. A motivational presentation you watched? A quote that really hit home. Your friend slapped you physically to wake up. You got really hurt. Whatever that makes you understand in the slightest, what an ego is, what is impunity, what naivety is and how it encompasses you. Anything can be a catalyst. Of course, the first step is difficult but keeping it up when you are really questioning the whole point of it, getting bored of the same routine and getting eroded by sheer time over and over, is the true test. The test of time.

There is never a definitive moment you become an adult. You hear legal studies teachers are school saying, you wake up on your 18th birthday and 'bang' you have a whole jurisdiction with rights and responsibilities. I believe it's when you really ask yourself the big questions. What do you really want? Who really are you? And you begin the life long process destroying lies, well attempting to, and relentlessly but patiently excavating for truth behind the lies. You get humbled, you realise you know nothing at all. And you feel it's okay.

This story you tell yourself is VERY IMPORTANT. What reality is being shaped? The perception of reality is very subjective and can change any second. Not only what you tell yourself, but what you tell others. Is it all in alignment with the fact of the matter? As undeniable as the fact that we breathe oxygen? What you tell yourself is important but I do believe what you tell others AFFIRMS or REJECTS yourself. Do you lie to others, white lies? Everything matters and counts. Ask yourself 'why' all the time but be kind with your approach. You should tread lightly with a smile, not cynical. It's all an act of trying to balance the 'never balanceable scale' and that's okay!

And love! As romantic as it sounds, love is the most powerful medicine. I am NOT talking about lust or any of the sins. Be very careful as this is often disguised very well that even the 'smartest' humans, may false victims to these lies. Can you tell the difference? Anyway. Love is what spurs you on to do that little bit extra. It is difficult for those who have never truly experienced or recognised that love exists, to understand this. Once you get it, you get it. You must go through this learning process yourself. No crash courses, no spoonfeeding, the journey is the answer. Not the end result or epiphany. And there are countless journeys.

Love is what makes that old, lonely miser hobble that little extra step. Love is what makes the beautiful, soulful face of the homeless person outshine their dirt-worn, sun hardened face. Love is what makes the towering giant of a man crumble his guard down and let his inner child out. True love is never fake. True love takes effort and consistent effort of nurturing, mindfulness and gratitude. I never thought I'd be ever saying this, my younger teenage self would have a giant question mark over his head. But love is beautiful. We all deserve it.

If this does not resonate with you, and you are seeking positive change, please, take it day by day. As much as you want to grasp positivity, goodness or whatever it is you want... Be patient. Be patient. Don't make huge plans and try to spring towards it with 101% of your energy. Take it day by day. Reflect on it, choose a day to reflect. For me, it's Sunday.

Digressing here but, how do I want to die? That's a big question. For the cliche movie scene, it's many old peoples' wishes to not die suffering in a hospital. Perhaps in nature? I hope that is a thought for decades ahead! Live everyday, not just once!